As the school year was winding down in late May 2012 I sat in my empty classroom filling in the same thing over and over on record forms. It was then that the tidal wave of fear and anxiety over the impending doom of my marriage threatened to over take me. I could feel it coming from behind I could feel the emotional and spiritual force of devastation rushing at me. It began to crest over my head it’s force breathtakingly fearful. It was as if God hit the “pause” button on it, it loomed in midair just over my shoulders and He spoke to my soul or was it my spirit….. I can’t remember they are so close that it takes something as sharp as God’s word to separate them! Regardless, God spoke to my inner person God spoke not with words to my ears but with knowledge to my inner being. What God said was so awe inspiring, so hope giving, so kind and strengthening. He told me “I am giving you a new life.” In a moment the tidal wave of darkness receded for whence it came and hope was restored.
As I have moved through this flaming circumstance I have found myself so angry that my plan didn’t work out. That I married a man incapable of loving me or any of our four children with authentic love. I was angry that it was all a lie, then I was devastated over it. Then I angry again, then devastated, then angry then devastated, then angry then devastated, you get the point. That was the life I built with my husband, my partner, yeah he was a jerk and yeah he made me feel like a piece of dirt but I loved him and I loved our family and it was my ONLY plan! They were my life, my love, my passion. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved the LORD and sought HIm, but my family was my life. And like an atom bomb it was gone. There was no repairing it no possibility of reconciliation, that life died. And it H-U-R-T really really really bad. I’d remind God He said He was giving me a new life and that what I wanted was the life I had….just not with the jerk I had. No, wait yes with the jerk I had just him not a jerk. Nothing is impossible for God and everything is permissible for us, yet not everything is beneficial. That life was not beneficial for me. Anyway, I have moved through times where I look up towards the heavens and ask, when? When do I get this grand new life? I have also been through time that I have looked up to the heavens and thanked God for the new life I now had, it wasn’t what I expected or planned and it is still painful, but it is good.
Then there was today. Today started off terrible. When I walked into my first class a half an hour late, I went ahead and warned them that I was not in a good place and not to cross me. Happy Monday Morning Ya’ll!! Ugh, I have never told my class that because I have not ever been quite that foul any morning. I did something I never do at work, I colored. I just wanted the day to end. So I colored, this act is so very out of character for me, just as my good morning announcement was. When school was over I drudged home to mow this big farm yard. I did something else I never do (unless I am on unlimited wifi – which isn’t available out here in the country) I listened to Pandora. Oh my gosh! do you just LOVE that app!?!? – I digress. I have my favorite artists stations and instrumentals mmmm, good stuff. So I weed eated first because I hate it so much. Well hate is a strong word, it hurts my hand after twenty minutes. I am so glad I don’t have neighbors out here and I hope the ones I do have couldn’t hear me. I sang my heart out to our LORD. I sang, I praised, I lifted my hands off the steering wheel. I anticipated getting stuck in the normal places, jumped off and pushed the mower never stopping my love song to Him. As I rounded the trampoline for the last time I could see the beautiful sky changing colors as the sun sank low in the sky. The smell of the fresh cut grass filled the air, the temperature was 72 degrees , I could see the awesome farm house God provided for the children and I. My heart was overwhelmed with His joy, His peace, and my gratitude. He nudged my soul and reminded me of His promise of a new life and posed the question to my inmost part –
“What do you think?”
What I think cannot be expressed with mere words my King. The tears that fill my eyes cannot convey the meaning behind them to any but You. The chills of my flesh cry out a song of unity that only You can know. The beat of my heart and the billows of joy in my being, these are my song of thanksgiving to you. If I were more like David LORD, perhaps I could express it for other humans to understand in a Psalm.
I think You are awesome, powerful, wise and full of kindness to this child of yours with the wayward prone heart.
I think You my LORD are the love of my life and that no other could bring me the purest of joy that You do. May I honor You with this new life. May I tell others about You and Your goodness, may I bring honor to Your Holy Name.
If you don’t know what on earth I am talking about, please message me so I can tell you more.